“You Spoke To Me Through Mary”

Every day I talk to you. As hard as I try to listen, but I can’t hear you speaking to me. Today was different, because you spoke to me through Mary.

The first time I met Mary was when she, Brian and Zack and eight others came over to clean our yard on August 15.  Today, Mary, Brian and Zack came back to help paint a few rooms.

They stopped at Panera Bread before coming over, and Mary asked me if I wanted breakfast. I asked for a breakfast sandwich of some kind, not picky. They arrived around 9:30 a.m., and we ate in our kitchen. As I was eating my egg and bacon sandwich, she handed me another bag. She said, “we decided to get you something sweet, so we got you a cinnamon bun.” I choked back the tears and told her that was our favorite pastry when we used to go to Panera.  Brian said, “See, John told us to get the cinnamon roll for you.”

Mary and I took a little break mid-morning.  She mentioned that she tried to find my “beapositive” blog. I asked her how she knew; she remembered from Pastor Dan’s message last week. I also asked her to read our book that I’ve started.

As Brian was cleaning up the paint brushes, trays, etc., she and I sat in the kitchen and talked. As the morning passed, she must have sensed that she needed to share something with me. She had a dream a few weeks before she met me.  A dear friend of hers went to heaven sometime in July. This is how I know that you spoke to me this morning.

Mary says she has very vivid dreams. In this particular dream, her friend whispered in her ear, so close that Mary could feel her breath. She said for whatever reason, she smelled some kind of mint. I believe it was wintergreen, the flavor of the Altoids we have in our car that we’d eat to cover up coffee-breath. She told Mary, “you are not going to believe this place when you get here. It’s more beautiful than you can imagine.”  Then her friend beckoned her and said, “I want to show you this house. Follow me.”

At the house, the first thing she saw was a waterfall.  Where the water spilled into the stones were black pebble stones. She said when I turned on the waterfall on August 15, the first thing she saw were the black pebble stones.  I remember when  you wanted to add black stones where the water fall, and we bought them at a local nursery.  You placed them with your hands at the bottom of the waterfall.  She immediately called Brian over and said, “look at the waterfall and the black pebble stones. . . just like in my dream.”

Waterfall with Black Pebblestones

Waterfall with Black Pebblestones

The second thing she saw in the dream were little elephant statuettes standing around her. She said it took her breath away this morning while we ate breakfast. Over in the corner on our kitchen counter she saw three elephant statuettes just like in her dream.

Elephant Statuettes

Elephant Statuettes

The third thing that convinced me you were speaking to me was the phrase she used to describe our love story. She said the way I have weaved our memories and your poetry is like a “word dance”. At that point, I took her into our music room and showed her the pictures on the wall. The first one is a couple dancing in the rain on the beach that we bought together.  I am the lady in red dancing with my Prince Charming. The other picture was a Christmas present to you from me, “Dance Me To The End of Love”.  We used to dance in our living room.  Although we can’t physically dance together right now, our story is our “word dance”, a beautiful love story with your poetry and my stories about our memories.  I know you gave her the phrase “word dance” to share with me.

Dancing

Dancing

IMG_20150829_171433252

I thank God that Mary, Brian and Zack are in our lives. Mary said, “I am your connection to John right now. He is speaking through me so that you know how much he loves you.  He is waiting for you.”

My heart aches beyond words can describe every minute that I’m awake. I only have peace when I write about us, so I continue to write our beautiful life. I love you and miss you more every day. But today . . . you spoke to me through Mary.

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Let’s Have Coffee in the Morning . . . Just the Two of Us

One of the simple things we loved to share was coffee in the morning, just the two of us.

Some of the cooler mornings, we sat on the patio to listen to the birds. We were fortunate to have a blue bird family nest in one of the blue bird houses and have two clutches this year.  What a beautiful and peaceful sight to watch the mama and papa birds fly in and out to take care of the babies!

Some mornings, we watched “Good Morning Tampa Bay” to make us smile.

Some mornings, we had coffee with our favorite pumpkin bread. Our little “fur-babies” love pumpkin, too.

Most mornings, we just sat and enjoyed each other’s company, just happy to sit in the same room.

My morning coffee’s not as good when I don’t share it with you.

My day’s not as good when we don’t start with a walk through the morning dew.

Whatever we share is worth more than diamonds or gold.

If you are beside me, and I can take your hand to hold.

I pray each day to God above,

and thank him for bringing you to me and showing me true love.   ~ Your JB

Please cherish all the moments with your loved ones, no matter large or small, for you never know when one might be your last. Bea Positive every day . . . “rain or shine, it’s gonna be a great day.”

Circle of Friends

Back in February, I met a lady in the hospital. She and I shared a common fear – our husbands were in ICU not knowing what the next hour would bring let alone the next day. We were the only two who spent uncountable hours in the ICU waiting room. We were both afraid to leave but too tired to stay.

One day we spoke to each other. We shared our situations. We shared tears, and we shared prayer. We shared our greatest fears with each other – life without our husbands. We prayed fervent prayers to God for divine healing.

Fast forward six months . . . something told me to reach out to Lourdes three weeks ago. It was a strong feeling in my spirit. Lourdes lost Roger in February; he never left ICU. I was devastated for her, and I cried for her. I prayed for her not really knowing what she needed, not really knowing what she was feeling, not really knowing her loneliness.

Until now . . . now I know how she feels. Now I understand the depths of her pain, hurt, loneliness, heartbreak, gut-wrenching sick-to-your-stomach feeling . . . the indescribable hole you feel in your heart. Lourdes was the first person to reach out and ask to sit with me, cry with me, pray with me, experience the same pain with me, asking for nothing in return.

With experiences such as this, you find out who genuinely cares and doesn’t just say the words and phrases that are “a propos”. You find out who stands with you when you can’t find the words to describe how you feel, you can’t itemize what you need, you can’t stop the tears long enough to say hello, you can’t remember who is in the same room with you, you can’t remember if you’ve eaten today.

You find out who is willing to just sit with you while you cry, while you grieve.

You find out who will text you just to let you know they are thinking about you.

You find out who is willing to hold your hand, put an arm around your shoulder and sit in the same room and say nothing.

You find out who is willing to hear what they don’t want to hear.

You find out who is willing to understand that you can’t flip a switch and feel better.

You find out who is willing to provide their company and time vs. suggesting you need professional help.

You find out who is willing to be uncomfortable to provide just a little bit of comfort.

You find out who is willing to be there for the long haul, because it’s a long journey.

You find out that your circle of friends becomes very, very small.

I’m thankful for my very small circle of friends.

Love Letter from Heaven

To the love of my life,

I want you to know that it is beautiful here, and Jesus is even more magnificent that we ever imagined. The King of Kings welcomed me with open arms. He and I are holding you even though you cannot feel it physically. Let Him take your sorrow and pain; cast your cares on Him.

Always remember like I told you last week, I am blessed, we are blessed . . . We are blessed. Repeat those words over and over when you feel like you do right now. While you can’t hear me speak to you, you have my words all around you. Read them so you know how much I truly love you. Yes, I say love, in the present tense, because I will always love you. Don’t ever doubt that.

You’re like the lovely little lovebird that was in the cabin in Nancy’s Secret Garden on the day we married. She, too, lost her mate, and Nancy told us that she quit singing. I know you’re not singing any more . . .but you can write. We said we would write our story together. You have my written words in poetry. Now you need to fill in with your words as only you can write.

Share our Bea-utiful love story. Tell everyone how every day, hour, minute, second is precious and will never come around again. Bea my Bea . . . Bea Beautiful . . . Bea Positive.

I love you,

Your JB

A Book of Love Poems from John to Bea – Chapter 1

This was the 1st poem my beautiful, loving husband and soul-mate wrote for me 19 years ago.  He and I shared a special love that only comes once in a lifetime.  I was so fortunate to have him my life and blessed that we made so many wonderful memories together.  I hope can feel the love he had for me and can see that he is the inspiration for Bea Positive.

 

True Love

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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